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December 11th 2006, will
be a day I never forget or would
want to. It was the day we found out
our little girl had half a heart.
Pete and I had been together for 12
years and have two kids from his
previous relationship, we wanted to
wait till things were settled before
we tried for a baby and 2006, was
the year. After I went off the pill,
it took 7 months to conceive our
little girl and I found out just
after my 33rd birthday
that I was going to be a mummy in
May 06. Peter and I were ecstatic, I
remember, I was on-call for work and
had been called out to a job, I got
back home just after 2am. I had felt
queasy for some time and all the
other symptoms were there, but no
two lines. This time at 2 am, there
was and I couldn’t help crying with
joy.
I went into the bedroom and woke
Pete up, he looked at me and could
see I had been crying and got
concerned, he asked me “Are you okay
Darling, did you have a bad job?’,
‘No, your going to be a Daddy’ I
held up the test for him to see, his
eyes teared up and he cuddled me. We
spent the rest of the night talking
and smiling, it was finally real.
Everything was going really well,
all my check-ups were good and
nothing was detected as abnormal. I
remember the last appointment before
the scan at 19 weeks; the doctor
said to me, everything is going so
well I will not need to see you here
at the hospital until 32 weeks.
Scan day, December 11th
2006, came and Pete and I were meant
to go together, but unfortunately,
we were trying to re-finance for a
forth room for a nursery and needed
to have the house valued, prior to
Christmas, the only time available
was the same time as the scan. If we
didn’t take that time, it would be
at least 2 months before someone
else could come and because
everything was going so well, I told
Pete it’s ok, you’ll just have to
wait to see our little one in a
picture when we have lunch.
I had spoken to his mum, my parents
and sister that morning and I
remember, being so excited and
discussing how good I felt and that
I thought I had felt the baby move,
just wasn’t sure. I arrived at the
hospital, feeling very queasy from
all the water I was carrying in my
bladder and waited to be called. I
went into the room and laid on the
bed, the sonographer was describing
all the measurements to me and
pointing out what was what, until
she got to the heart.
Then the room went completely quiet
and I got concerned. Both my husband
and I are Paramedics, we know that
silence means a problem and that
certain noises, mean bad news and I
heard both in that room that day. I
asked her if there was a problem,
was it a hole and she stated that it
did not look normal, but wanted to
get the Senior Radiographer to
review it. She left the room to find
him, but I knew something was
terribly wrong and I broke down. I
felt like I was left there for a
long time by myself and of course my
mind was racing with all the things
it could be.
When the Senior Radiographer had a
look, I heard the same noise and the
same silence; it was as bad as I
thought. He asked me to wait, that
he needed to contact Dr David
Watson, the High Risk Obstetrician
to come and see me, I asked what the
problem was and he said that Dr
Watson would discuss that with me, I
had an appointment with him at 1
30pm, did I have anyone with me? He
stated I do not want you to be alone
or to drive, I said that I would
call my husband and left the room.
I phoned Pete and through my tears
and hiccups, I tried to explain what
was happening, he said he would be
right there. We sat and discussed
what it could be and he said it may
not be as bad as you think, but I
just knew and I told him I thought
that it was really bad because of
the reactions in the ultrasound
room.
We went to see Dr David Watson at
130pm, that was hard sitting in the
waiting room with so many pregnant
women and us crying and distressed.
He called us in and I have to say he
was very gentle with us, but he
painted a very grim picture, our
baby had half a heart, practically
no aorta and no flow through the
areas that should have it. He drew a
picture for us and then asked us if
we were prepared to go to Brisbane
for a second opinion from Dr Cameron
Ward at Mater Mothers. He already
had an appointment for us on Friday
morning, so it was then that I knew,
it was as bad as I thought.
Pete and I, were already meant to
be travelling to have Christmas and
New Year’s with our families in
Newcastle and Tassie on December the
13th, two days from then,
so we stated that we would like to
drive together there. Dr Watson then
asked if we had thought about
termination or what we would do and
I was stunned, it was not even a
thought, but then it confirmed my
gut feeling, our baby would never
survive, he was preparing us.
I remember leaving the hospital and
having conversations with my family
and Pete’s, but I do not remember
getting home or all of that night,
until the next day, when I saw Pete
and said to him, “It is real isn’t
it, our baby is going to die it
wasn’t just a dream”. We packed the
car and took our animals to the
kennels, which was hard to do as
well, they knew something was wrong.
We travelled to Brisbane in one day
18 hours and talked all the way. I
am glad we got to spend that time
alone together, we discussed so many
things as well as laughed and cried.
Friday came and again we went into
have an ultrasound and the same
noise and silence, but this time she
said to me, ‘You do know this is not
your fault, it’s nothing you’ve
done’. The comfort I got from those
words, I can never express my
gratitude for just that short
sentence. Pete and I asked what we
were having and found out it was a
little girl-Sarah, we already knew
her name, she had been a ‘she’ since
we found out, and somehow we knew.
Dr Cameron Ward performed another
specialist ultrasound and again, the
noise and silence, but also, ‘I
don’t need to see anymore” He drew
us a diagram and it was worse than
the one in Townsville. He explained
the Norwood procedure to us and
detailed our other two options,
termination and letting her go just
after birth. He stated all the
risks, problems and issues with the
surgery, but kept referring to the
other two options for Sarah. Without
saying it out right, he knew that
she would not even qualify for
surgery, there were too many
problems and too much to do. She had
no left side, no aorta and her right
side was also impaired, she had no
flow to the areas that should have.
It as not an option for her, there
was no hope for her survival, just a
deadline to her death, we were left
with when.
Stupidly, Pete and I hoped someone
would tell us what to do, but it was
left up to us, but we needed to make
a decision quickly or there would be
no choice, we would have to carry
her to full term and then watch her
struggle to survive. With all the
things Pete and I, had seen in our
careers, we knew we could not choose
to not make a choice, for her, we
had to decide. We knew what it would
mean for her at her birth and the
time immediately after that, we knew
exactly what was going to happen and
we could not choose to put our
little girl through that, just to
make us feel better, because we did
not have to decide, because we had
left it to nature to decide for us.
Other people may feel differently
about it, but we had been given a
choice, if we had not had such good
ultrasound techniques or sonographer,
then maybe we would not have had the
choice, but I believe we were given
the choice for a reason. So, we
asked if we could let her go gently
now and spare her that suffering. We
also asked if it was possible for us
to be close to our families for
support, either Newcastle or Tassie
and these were investigated for us
and we ended up in Newcastle.
It took a week to get an
appointment and review in Newcastle,
now 21st December and I
was scared it was so close to
Christmas. We had already changed
our flights to Tassie, after talking
to the midwife earlier and she
conferred with the Doctor and asked,
if we could wait until after
Christmas, we wanted to have that
with her, she was wanting to meet
everyone before she left her
physical form.
Pete and I, both thought that once
we left Brisbane it would all happen
quickly and that it would be over by
Tuesday 19th at the
latest, it fact it was the strongest
reaction, because it was hurting so
much to have it over and done with
quickly. But, when we thought about
it, we wanted this time with her, so
we took it as late as we could and
booked in for December 27th
2006.
We had our Christmas with everyone,
Sarah was so active and it was both
happy and sad, very confusing. The
27th arrived and we
booked into the hospital, they got
us to fill out the paperwork and
showed us to our room, The Butterfly
Room. They had the bed made up and
beautiful music playing and all Pete
and I could do is cry and hug each
other.
My labour was induced at 1200hrs on
the 27th and at 0105am 28th
December 2006, Sarah was born, she
took 3 breaths and then flew away, I
have to say it was the hardest thing
I have ever done, not because of the
pain, but because I knew that I was
the one who was making it happen,
making our choice a reality. But
also, I was giving her a gift, no
suffering and a chance for all of us
to be together as a family. She
looked so peaceful and so perfectly
formed, you could not tell that
inside there was so much wrong.
Everyone who was there for us,
right from the beginning was amazing
and can not thank them enough.
Especially Lisa, our midwife in
Newcastle, the gentleness, respect
and caring that she showed us and
Sarah, was amazing and I will not
forget her and the way she cared for
us. She made a time of our lives
that hurt so much, very beautiful
and special and I will never forget
her.
Our decision was for Sarah, not for
anyone else. We chose to start our
suffering, to end hers and it was
the only thing, as her parents, we
could do for her. We could not let
her go through, what we knew she
would, we had seen it too much and
could not choose that for her. To
carry her to full term to watch her
die was not a choice for us, not for
us to feel ok with not making the
choice. This was a very hard choice
and I think no matter what option
you choose, you think about it over
and over again. But, Pete and I
knew, that as soon as we had all the
information, Sarah had already made
the choice, she needed us to be
strong enough to make it on her
behalf, she kept the focus on
letting her go for a reason.
I believe that she knew her little
sister (due in February 2008) was
meant to be conceived at the time
she was due to be born and that if
she stayed, that couldn’t happen. We
didn’t expect to be pregnant again
so soon, but overjoyed when we found
out it was real again. We are scared
and I know we will grieve again when
she is born, but she has an angel
with her and I feel Sarah with me
everyday. Her tiny half a heart,
held more love in it, for all of us,
that it was to full to develop
properly, it was bursting with love
right from the very start.
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