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Dear Bean
2nd
June
Today we found
out you were here - what a wonderful
day, one which I will always
remember. We have been trying
to make you for over a year
now and here you are!
20th
June
Today we saw
you for the first time. You
were so very small but we were
so very excited. I held your
Dad’s hand and had tears in
my eyes. The radiographer said
‘it looks just like a little
bean’ and that’s where your
name came from – ‘Bean’.
30th
August
At 20 weeks we
were booked in to see our obstetrician
in Toowoomba who had been helping
us to ‘make’ you for several
months and I was so excited
about going to see him to show
him we’d finally got pregnant!
He put
some gel on my belly and took
a look. There you were again!
Much bigger this time and we
could see your spine very clearly
– you were like a fish! We saw
feet and hands and legs and
arms. Not for a minute was I
worried that there was anything
wrong. Maybe I should have been….
He pointed out your heart and
said that there were some things
which weren’t in the right place.
I still wasn’t thinking it was
a big deal (how stupid!). I
don’t know why – maybe because
I didn’t want it to be. He said
he’d like to get someone else
to take a look for us just to
be sure.
We went
to Brisbane to the Women’s Ultrasound
Clinic in the city and saw a
radiographer there. When she
looked at your heart she showed
us what the obstetrician had
shown us earlier – your arteries
were not crossed over as they
should have been. She then explained
to us what would have to happen
to fix you. You’d need an operation
as soon as you were born to
swap the arteries over. I started
to cry but she was very kind
and kept saying that it was
a fixable problem and that it
was great that we’d found it
at this stage because if it
had been missed, and you were
born in Toowoomba as planned
who would know what would happen?
It was still hard to hear that
you would be whisked away from
us when you arrived and that
you would have to have a big
operation straight away.
Another Obstetrician
then took a look at you. He
was very impressed that the
problem had been detected and
again explained how important
it was that it had been found
before you were born. He explained
that we’d meet Dr Cameron Ward
at the Mater hospital who was
a pediatric cardiologist. He
said that Cameron was fantastic
and very talented. He also said
we’d need to come to Brisbane
about a month before you were
due and said that if you were
premature it was unlikely you’d
make it as your arteries would
be too small to operate on.
Thursday 18th
January
Well hello Bean!
Today we booked into the Mater
and got ready for your arrival.
We went downstairs and met more
nurses and the anesthetist who
was going to do my spinal block
for a Caesar. Your Dad got changed
into his scrubs and when he
came back to me I laughed my
head off because his trousers
were on back-to-front, had a
hole in the crotch and he was
wearing a shower cap! I roared
laughing and so did he. We were
a bit giggly with excitement
I think.
We went into
theatre – a big room with lots
of people milling about all
there to greet you! I sat on
a bed then had a needle put
into my hand then one into my
back. I felt these two and they
hurt a bit – like a bull ant
biting me but not too excruciating.
Then I lay on the bed and the
anethatist tested me with ice
to see if I could feel anything
and I couldn’t. Our obstetrician
then came in and it was nice
to see a familiar face although
everyone was so lovely that
I felt really comfortable the
whole time. Geoff came in nice
and close to me and had hold
of my arm. He was sitting behind
my head. We all chatted away
and I could feel some tugging
and pulling in my tummy but
nothing hurt.
I said something
about feeling some tugging and
then someone said ‘not long
now’ and then we heard you squawk
and I looked at Geoffrey and
he was looking at me and I got
some tears that just fell out
of my eyes. They then pulled
down the screen a bit and there
you were! In all your bluey
purple glory! What a beauty.
Your colour gave me a fright
but then I was assured that
many babies are the colour you
were; in any case I was expecting
a different colour because of
your heart. I couldn’t believe
what you did next – you widdled
on me - all over the place.
At first I thought something
had ruptured but then a few
people laughed and said I should
‘get used to it’. They put the
screen back up and bundled you
off for some checks. We could
hear you yelling in the next
room. What would we call you?
Darcy Frank or Frank Darcy?
We had laid bets on your weight
and since I was closest we decided
that I had naming rights and
Frank Darcy it was!
The neonatologist
bought you back for a cuddle.
I had prepared myself for no
cuddle so I was very happy.
She laid you on my chest so
our faces were nice and close
and I got a good look at you
– still pretty blue with little
bits of blood in the crease
of your nose and a bit of a
frown to start with. We must
have interrupted your afternoon
nap. Gee your head felt so soft
and warm and you looked amazing.
I could see inside your mouth
and think that your lips look
like mine! I cannot imagine
how any first time parents could
be prepared for what we saw.
It’s incredible and everyone
who says that there is nothing
like it has got it right. Then
you went away and we were left
to talk about you while Dr Bretz
was stitching up my tummy. It
took a while considering how
short a time it was while you
were coming out. It was amazing
– I still couldn’t feel my legs
and it was weird at the end
when I could see them lifting
my legs up but I couldn’t feel
what they were doing.
Geoff left and
went to get changed out of his
scrubs but someone was in the
changing room so he went and
told everyone who was waiting.
We had a little
bit of a scare this evening.
Your cardiologist, Dr Morwood
had come to our room after seeing
you and told us about his plans
for you and your balloon septostomy.
We already knew what the plan
was so it wasn’t anything new.
He said it could take ten minutes
or could take hours. By 11 (he
had went to start the procedure
at 6) we were worried. He came
back about then and said that
the balloon didn’t work. Your
Dad seemed pretty upset and
didn’t really say anything.
Dr Morwood said that this may
mean they kept you on the Prostin
medicine (to keep your duct
open) and possibly bring forward
your big operation or try the
balloon again tomorrow. In any
case it was likely you’d be
moved to the Prince Charles
a bit earlier than planned.
I probably should have been
more concerned but wasn’t –
the doctors knew what they were
doing and were doing the right
thing for you and I wasn’t worried.
It was sad to think that I wouldn’t
be able to see you downstairs
in the ICU but as long as you
were OK I didn’t mind where
you were.
Friday
19th January
A visit! I got
to come and see you this morning
– our first time together since
in the operating room. You were
a great colour and just laying
back in your cot with your arms
out to the side strapped to
boards. There was a respirator
in your mouth and lots of cables
everywhere. I was just so happy
to see you though. You didn’t
open your eyes and your face
was a bit puffy but that was
because of your procedure. We
had about an hour with you before
we went back upstairs.
Later in
the day, the neo natologist
came to me and said that they
would definitely be moving you
to the Prince Charles and she
would arrange for me to be able
to go back downstairs for a
hold! When I got the call for
a visit, no one was with me
so Jan, my favourite midwife
took me down in the wheelchair.
She left me there next to you
while an ICU guy was sorting
you out to move. He wasn’t talking
to me and I felt a bit uncomfortable
and he was sucking out some
spit from your mouth and I thought
you might have been in pain
and I started to cry. I just
wanted to hold you. Mum turned
up then which was good. They
set you up on my lap on a pillow
and I cried and cried. I was
so happy to be holding you and
thought you were so beautiful.
You looked a bit uncomfortable
to start with and wriggled about
a bit. The nurse taped your
respirator to my arm so that
it wasn’t blocked. Geoff got
back and was with me then.
I had to
give you back then as you had
an ambulance booked to take
you to the Prince Charles. The
stretcher that they had set
up for you was pretty wild looking
– it was a big box with cables
everywhere and it looked really
scary. I am glad I didn’t see
them put you in it. I know that
you needed it but it was a bit
intimidating and looked like
it was from E.T.
This afternoon,
Dr Morwood tried the balloon
again and got it straight away!
What a relief.
Saturday
20th January
I didn’t see
you today as you were in your
new home at the Prince Charles.
Dad did two ‘milk runs’ to you.
He got a little lunchbox and
filled it with ice and packed
your milk like a six pack of
beer. It was very cute and I
couldn’t wait to write ‘Frank
Reardon’ on the side of the
esky.
Your respirator
came out today and Geoff had
some photos of him holding you
for the first time! I wish I
could have been there to see
it but was so thankful for my
laptop and digital camera so
I could look at you whenever
I wanted.
Sunday
21st January
An excursion
to see you today! I was so excited.
Whenever I woke up last night
I smiled to myself.
My sister,
Tamie came to collect us and
took us to the Prince Charles.
The mid-wives kept saying not
to be too long as I would get
tired and I didn’t believe them.
We got to the PC and Geoff took
me up in a wheelchair to the
Children’s Ward. I was just
about leaping out of the chair
to hurry up and get to you.
As we went through the doors
to the Children’s Ward I started
to cry – I knew I would – I
was bursting to hold you again.
Geoff pointed you out in a ward
with a couple of other cots.
You were dressed in red and
looked very peaceful. The nurse
who was looking after you was
just lovely. She put you on
my lap on a pillow (I’m not
ready to hold you on my own
yet – I don’t want to drop you
or make you uncomfortable).
I unwrapped you a bit to see
your arms – I think you have
muscles already. Another nurse
came over to help us try the
breast feeding. She was quite
forceful in trying to get you
to attach, you opened up your
mouth nice and wide and had
three great bit sucks and then
weren’t really keen. You cried
a bit and seemed uncomfortable,
apparently the air hose in your
nose would be making it difficult
and it was a bit too much for
you to attach straight up –
those three little sucks were
pretty incredible though! I
giggled because it felt so amazing.
We will try each day and see
how you go but there will be
an interruption when you have
your operation so we can only
do what we can do.
Monday
22nd January
Yah00 – another
visit today. My brother and
sister-in-law, Dan and Kel picked
us up to come and see you. Again
I was chomping at the bit to
get to you. Dad and I came in
first and there you were. In
pale blue today. It really suits
you. I had a cuddle – a quick
one without a pillow then one
with a pillow. I feel a bit
scared without the pillow –
I don’t want to pull out any
of your tubes and cables. And
also, it means I can lay you
out and look at your arms and
body. You did some gawking about,
some raspberries and there were
some boogers in your nose. You
kept trying to rub off the feed
tube and after a while you pulled
it out! It gave me such a fright
but you had been a bit cranky
until then and when it came
out you were much happier. Your
nurse said you were naughty
but it was the first time you’d
done it. She put another tube
back in while you were on my
lap. I held your hands and you
squeezed them tight and howled
and I howled but it was over
quickly. I hated seeing you
hurting.
We tried
the feeding again. You sucked
for a bit longer today but your
saturation levels went right
down to 58 (you should be about
100 after your operation) and
you howled a bit. We decided
that we wouldn’t try the boob
for a while. Expressing is going
OK and we’re getting the milk
for you so what is the point
in upsetting you by trying to
feed? And selfishly me and your
Dad didn’t like to see you cry.
Tuesday
23rd January
I called your
nurse this morning and she said
you were ‘delightful’ overnight.
Good boy Frankie! And your oxygen
tube has been removed which
means less tubes for our visit
today.
We came home
from the Mater today and we
dropped off our gear and your
Daddy organised a breast pump
and sterilizer. Then off we
went to you! Today you were
all scrunched up at the bottom
of your cot and just hanging
out on your own. A nurse came
and put you on my lap – it was
so lovely. I put you on my chest
– skin to skin and that was
beautiful. Your sats went right
up and it just felt so good.
You looked up at me and I’m
sure you were thinking ‘I know
this smell… I wonder where this
lady has been!’ We had a lovely
couple of hours like that. Then
we fed you with a tube while
you were sucking a dummy which
you seem to like. We had tried
you on the boob again but only
putting your nose near it to
see if you like it – not forcing
like yesterday.
Miriam
(one of your nurses) then showed
us how to bath you (I got to
carry you to the nursery for
the bath!). You didn’t seem
to enjoy it that much but I
hope you get used to it – we
think it might have been your
first one. You howled but at
the end you were so shiny and
clean and smelt extra nice.
I carried you back to your room
(I am so proud and brave!) and
then you got into your new bed-
a huge cot! You were like a
little, bitty thing in this
huge cot! We gave you a kiss
goodbye and I felt so very happy
when I left. You had only a
feed tube and a tube on your
hand to record your sats, you
were nice and clean and in a
nice big bed which meant you
weren’t as ill as what you had
been although still needing
your operation of course.
Wednesday
24th January
We got up nice
and early to come and visit
you Frank. You had a new jumpsuit
on – it was huge! Thank goodness
Mum and Geoffrey were up nice
and early this morning sorting
out your clothes and Mum washing
them. It was feed time and we
put you near my nipple to se
how you’d go. You had a little
sniff and then holy crap you
latched on like anything! It
took my breath away Frank. It
was an amazing feeling. I was
so excited and you sucked for
quite a while but then got tired.
The nurse said you’d just stop
when you tired out and we topped
you up with some expressed milk.
I’m so proud of you Frank.
Today was
our first bath day too. Dad
did the honours and was very
good. He washed you and dried
you and dressed you with only
a little bit of help from me.
He seemed so confident but told
me later he was nervous and
thought he was shaking!
Sunday
28th January
This morning
we visited you as usual Frankie
and you were getting a little
bit sweaty which was out of
the ordinary. You had a HUGE
feed and then slept for about
4 hours. We found out later
that this was probably because
you were going a bit downhill
because you needed your operation.
You were sweaty, a bit more
pale, tired on my boob and your
little heart was beating really
fast. Miriam told us that this
was as you were getting closer
to your op and it was normal
for this time. She also showed
us through a photo album of
another little baby going through
the process of the ICU - the
machines and tubes and also
what would happen prior to you
going for your operation – how
we’d give you a bath, how you
wouldn’t feed for 4 hours prior
to the op, how we’d walk you
to the ICU and they’d then take
you for the procedure. I felt
so sad and howled. I knew that
you needed the operation but
it was awful to actually see
how you might look afterwards
and the fact that you had changed
over the past day from our perfect
little boy to one who actually
seemed sick.
I wish
it was Thursday already. I want
to wish away the next two days
and fast forward to when we
get to take you home with us
where you belong.
Tuesday
30th January
Today is your
big day! Daddy and I got to
you nice and early as we moved
to a motel just around the corner
from the hospital. Geoff’s Mum
and Dad, Lorraine and Billy
were already with you having
driven until 1am to get to Brisbane
in time. I gave you a nice big
feed from 7 till 7.30 which
is when you had to be finished
by. You had had enough by then
anyway, thank goodness. Then
we gave you a little bath which,
again, you seemed to love. Daddy
and I had to wear surgical gowns
while we did this and wash you
with a special sponge to make
sure you were extra, extra clean
for your big operation. Afterwards
we dressed you in a tiny little
blue surgical gown which we
tied up at the back and put
little booties on to keep you
nice and warm. I had a little
hug but then handed you over
to Daddy for the last little
while until we needed to take
you to the theatre. Daddy held
you for the last couple of hours
because if you smelt my milk
it was likely you’d get upset.
You were so well behaved with
your Dad! He had a lovely cuddle
and lots of kisses with you.
The nurse,
Wendy asked some official questions
of your Dad including what was
your name, what was the operation
you were to have today etc.
The theatre called for you late,
it was supposed to be 11.30
but they rang at ten to 1. An
orderly arrived to push your
cot for you and your Dad and
I walked to the theatre with
him and Wendy. We were very
brave I think, until we got
to the theatre doors and a nurse
came out to get you. She asked
us the same official questions
that Wendy had before we left
the ward. She checked your tag
on your leg and we gave you
kisses and then handed you to
her. You were asleep which was
good. I’m so glad you weren’t
howling with hunger or even
looking at us. That would have
made it harder. I did some howling
but all in all, we knew that
what we were doing was the only
option for you and that you
would be fine.
We gathered
your toys and things from the
nursery and then we went back
to the motel for a sleep. I
had mastitis and was pretty
sore and sorry. We had a little
bit of sleep but not much and
then we got a phone call from
Tamika, the nurse at the ICU
at 5.40pm to say that you had
been taken off the bypass machine
and that we should make our
way to the hospital. Dr Pohlner,
your surgeon came and spoke
with us and told us that everything
went to plan and he expected
that you would be fine. We went
in to see you soon after this
and there were plenty of people
watching over you – you had
your own doctor and nurse watching
you all the time. How very important
you are! We touched your hand
and talked to you for a while.
You were sound asleep thank
goodness because you were covered
in tubes and cables and I’m
sure you would have been hurting
so, so much. Your chest was
covered so we couldn’t see your
scar yet.
Wednesday
31st January
We visited you
this morning for a little while.
You were a bit puffier than
yesterday but the nurse said
that you were not as puffy as
most babies after an operation
like the one you’d had.
Thursday
1st February
This morning
when we went to visit you had
woken up. It was nice to see
your beautiful eyes again but
sad as well as you still had
tubes going everywhere and a
respirator in your nose and
your little body was just about
completely covered. You held
onto our fingers and we did
lots of talking to you and you
looked at us and all around
the place.
Friday
2nd February
This morning
you were out to it again. You
had done lots of wriggling and
playing about so the doctors
put you under for a little while
longer. A good idea I thought,
I would rather you weren’t awake
and getting upset. We came back
later and did some more chatting.
You had had your respirator
removed – thank goodness! We
could see your beautiful face
again! You are so handsome.
You were doing lots of facial
expressions which we love .Tomorrow
you will lose some more tubes
and maybe even go back to the
Children’s Ward. I can’t wait
to hug you again Frank!
Saturday
3rd February
This morning
we came to visit you and you
were wide awake. You’re eyes
came in and out of focus and
you did some cross eyed looking
and dummy sucking and holding
our fingers. We did some lovely
chatting to you and started
to get a bit excited because
you were on your way back to
the High Dependency Unit in
the Children’s Ward!
Sunday
4th February
This morning
we came to see you Frank and
guess what you did? You jumped
on to my boob! We’re so proud
of you because we had been a
bit worried that maybe you’d
forget how to feed. You have
lost a lot of weight Frank so
we need to work hard to make
you fat again. You weight 3375
and were born 3490 so I hope
you’re ready for some hard work!
Monday
5th February
Today I moved
in to the Prince Charles with
you. We had our very own room
with me on a fold out bed and
you in your cot. I am to sleep
over with you for a few days
so we and establish our feeding
and get to know each other better
before going home.
Your Dad didn’t
want to leave on the first night.
I wish he could have stayed
too. I think we did pretty well
Frank. I would get up to every
move and sound you made and
see what you were doing and
surprisingly, I wasn’t too tired.
I just loved being with you
24 hours a day!
Thursday
8th February
The Doctors have
said we can leave tomorrow -
how exciting. I can’t wait to
get you home although I’m a
bit nervous. We took you on
your first trip outside the
ward on our own today downstairs
to have an x-ray. It was so
weird – putting you in a pram
and taking you like you were
our very own which of course
you are but I still feel I need
to ask permission to do anything
with you.
Friday
9th February
Home day! I can’t
believe this day is here. We
packed all our gear and gave
you a nice bath and had the
last visit with Dr Morwood.
Dad got your medicine which
you have to take for a few months
and we made arrangements to
come back and see Dr Morwood
in April.
When we
got to home it was pouring with
rain! I hadn’t seen rain like
it for ages! I’d never been
so happy to get home in my life.
It’s so good to have you home
our little Bean.
The End.
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